I’m having one of those days where I can’t seem to find a positive light in anything. These don’t come often, but when they do, it’s hard to snap out of.
We have so many positive things going on in our lives right now but it seems that when anyone asks about them, I’m all debbie downer about them. I’m putting it all down to being plain ol’ exhausted. I haven’t whined about being tired in quite some time, so let’s count this as my quarterly whining session about tiredness.
Where do I even start? Maybe I should be starting by not putting my whining into actual words on a screen and instead telling myself to suck it up and keep moving forward. But if I can’t write it here and get it off my chest, then it won’t help me get the release I need. So let me start with whining about selling our current house. As mentioned previously, we went through a bit of a rushed process to get our house on the market after we found our ideal home. We decluttered and now are in the stage where we have to keep our home spotless just in case someone requests a showing in the evening and our realtor asks us to do it the next day while we are at work. I don’t know about any of you who read this, but have any of you tried to keep a house with a toddler and a messy husband spotless every single day? The husband does pull his weight more than he ever has when it comes to cleanliness, but gone are the days where I could decide to not do the dishes one night so I can relax on the couch instead. Every night they have to be done, and they have to be timed with being done after dinner is cooked and after lunches are made and packed away in the fridge. Gone also are the days where I could just leave a stack of laundry on the chair in the living room, to be dealt with another time, and instead lie on the couch next to it and pretend it doesn’t exist. My evenings have now become all about attempting to get to the gym with my trainer at least twice a week, doing my Tuesday volunteer thing, and then basically coming home and being on my feet from 7:00 to 10:00 dealing with a bunch of stuff I don’t feel like dealing with. We used to order pre-made meals that were healthy and we would toss into the microwave and heat up for dinner, but we decided to try one of those companies that sends you all of the ingredients and you make the meal yourself. I told my husband that we can’t live the rest of our lives on pre-made meals and need to figure out how to fit proper cooking into our lifestyle. We are now three weeks in to cooking for ourselves again from Monday to Friday (the weekend is the husband’s job to whip up tasty meals) and I’m sitting here wondering why the heck I felt it was necessary to make this change. It’s only adding more stress and time into our evenings, so why the hell did I decide we needed to force this into our busy lives when there is a suitable alternative that means that we aren’t eating dinner at 8:00 at night? My weight loss is suffering from eating so late at night, so why the hell should we keep going with this cooking for ourselves thing and why shouldn’t we go back to the pre-made healthy meals? I’ll have to have this conversation with the husband as I know he’s likely tired of hearing me standing over the dishwasher (thank god we at least have that!!) and moaning about how I would rather be reading my book.
Because of this exhaustion, I seem to be doing incredibly well at making mountains out of molehills. For our upcoming trip to Costa Rica I needed to make sure that we have all of the basic necessities as in some areas, these things are hard to find. Things like immodium, tums, band aids, sunscreen for adults, sunscreen for kid….all kinds of glorious things. On Sunday night I was whining away to my husband about how we need all of these things and I don’t have time to go and get them before we leave. I was so caught up in my whining that I didn’t realize something that he was kind enough to point out. On Tuesday (last night) I have a few hours of kid-free time and I could do it then. I completely forgot about those hours of child-less bliss because I was so stressed out about the house and travel plans. So last night, after work, I went and wandered the aisles of the drug store and spent up large on things we need…and a bunch of things we likely don’t need but they seemed fun so I got them anyway. I also grabbed two magazines for myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, on our trip I might have a moment to myself to read them. I was feeling a little optimistic!
Part of the reason for this new found tiredness that I had been having a nice break from is because I’m now working out in the evening, instead of the morning. My trainer prefers to work out at 6:00 so I basically rush home from work, toss the ipad in front of Hunter while I quickly run upstairs and change into workout gear, stand in the living room to appease Hunter while I wait for Eddie to walk in the door, then basically run out the door to get to the trainer in time. I then get my ass handed to me in a workout then head home. Once home, Hunter is still awake because I’m arriving right at his bedtime time and Eddie is cooking us dinner. I have two options. Put Hunter to bed at his usual time and get more hands-free time and be hungry. Or keep him up until about 8:00 and eat dinner while dealing with a tired little boy who is so pooped he’s miserable. It’s a tough call….but I almost always go for the first option. By the time I get him through his bedtime routine, it’s usually just before 8:00. I scarf down the dinner eddie made and then I get into the swing of cleaning up his cooking bombsite, doing the dishes and then making lunches for the next day. I sit down on the edge of our bed at 10:00 and have to will myself to have a shower. I love working out with my trainer, but I’m losing a lot of my own down time because of it. I know that my workouts are me time, but they are intense and exhausting and are definitely not a moment to relax!
I’m also dealing with a few small levels of anxiety about leaving my job for someone else to do for two weeks while away. I have done about three hours of training with her and tried to cram in as much as possible, but there is still so much she needs to know, and there now isn’t time to show her or teach her. So I’ve been putting my work aside and have been creating “how to” type lists or guides so she has something to refer to when she for sure will be asked to do it. I’m trying to save her from looking like she doesn’t know what she’s doing, and also trying to save myself the extra rush work when I get back from my vacation all rested. But because of doing this, my other work is falling behind, so now I’m scrambling to get that caught up. It will all be ok and I’m working a bit later each day this week to try to get everything wrapped up. But it’s hard to prepare someone for every aspect of my job and also hard to feel trusting enough to leave it all in her (likely) capable hands.
And now I’m feeling tiny levels of stress slowly building up inside of me when I think about when I’m going to have time to pack not just my bag, but Hunter’s bag too for our upcoming trip. I could ask Eddie to pack Hunter’s but it would be one of those situations where he has no clue what to pack, and by the time he asks me about a million things, I might as well have done it myself. I’m trying to go with the bare minimum essentials for the trip as we will have access to laundry facilities, but then the husband throws at me “Oh we are going to bring a few boxes of Shreddies over for the owner of the house we are renting”. Uhm…say what? Turns out she’s Canadian and misses Shreddies like mad so Eddie promised we would bring her two boxes over. And we all know they are going into my suitcase since Eddie isn’t capable of packing a suitcase that doesn’t require basically standing on to get it closed.
If you’ve read this far you’re probably thinking to yourself “Woman, get a grip! These are a ton of first world problems. Get over yourself”….and I completely agree! In the grand scheme of things, these are the good problems to have. The exhaustion…not so much. But the rest….they are good. But sometimes life can feel a little overwhelming and even the good things can become overshadowed easily. I already feel better since I started to write this, so there’s something to be said for simply writing exactly how I feel, despite how ridiculous it all seems after I get the words out. Soon we will be on the sunny beaches of Costa Rica and all of this exhaustion will be a thing of the past!